Ye Dekh Gagan Mujh Mein Lay Hai दो न्याय अगर तो आधा दो, और, उसमें भी यदि बाधा हो, तो दे दो केवल पाँच ग्राम, रक्खो अपनी धरती तमाम। हम वहीं खुशी से खायेंगे, परिजन पर असि न उठायेंगे! लेकिन दुर्योधन दुर्योधन वह भी दे ना सका, आशीष समाज की ले न सका, उलटे, हरि को बाँधने चला, जो था असाध्य, साधने चला। हरि ने भीषण हुंकार किया, अपना स्वरूप-विस्तार किया, डगमग-डगमग दिग्गज डोले, भगवान् कुपित होकर बोले- 'जंजीर बढ़ा कर साध मुझे, हाँ, हाँ दुर्योधन! बाँध मुझे। यह देख, गगन मुझमें लय है, यह देख, पवन मुझमें लय है, मुझमें विलीन झंकार सकल, मुझमें लय है संसार सकल। सब जन्म मुझी से पाते हैं, फिर लौट मुझी में आते हैं। यह देख जगत का आदि-अन्त, यह देख, महाभारत का रण, मृतकों से पटी हुई भू है, पहचान, कहाँ इसमें तू है। By- Ramdhari Singh Dinkar

MANIFESTATION

There is this Mongolian creation myth which says about a wild dog and his mate roe deer. Hunter and hunted meet and fell in love with each other. According to laws of nature, one should destroy the other, but in love there is neither good nor evil, there is neither construction nor destruction, there is merely movement. And love changes the law of nature. And I completely believe in the theory of Mongolian. It doesn’t seem to me like a myth. It would be right to infer that this theory says out of different natures love is born. In contradiction, love grows in strength. In confrontation and transformation, love is preserved.
My personal experience, though it hard to believe and accept, but yes the day you or me, anyone of us, allows true love to appear, those things which are well made will fall into confusion and will overturn everything we believe to be right and wrong. The world can become real only when learns how to love; until then we will live in the belief that we know what love is, but we always lack the courage and guts to confront it as truly it is:
Now after falling in love with a person who expects me to understand each and everything what goes on in his mind and he is never ready to understand what I may need or what I expect from me, he tries hard to drive me to the limit that utter what is going in my mind and I make a demand to him and then he can again have a choice what to do what not do. There can be several reasons behind this what I could understand is that he is fascist and secondly, he doesn’t want to understand what is going in my mind because understanding business in his small brain would start a compelling him to do what he understood and what he thought about me.
So let’s come back to discussion of understanding of love, what I have interpreted after falling in love with someone who means everything to me in my life and future or say what my reasoning is that love is untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused. Still after this interpretation in my mind I don’t have a positive definition of what love is???
I will tell an instance, when me and harshul walk together , I don’t how good we look together, because I do not match up to his standards of smartness but when we are together , when people come to know about us , they say (it has been more than 300 times till date) you both are like Zigzag , you both fit into each other like you are made for each other, you both complete each other. I don’t know is this love which attracts this kind of comments to us or what???
Our world is surrounded by layer of love , there will be atleast 100 people loving you but what we do search for the thickest layer of love , the moment we get that cushion we like keep bouncing on it back on forth, and I found that in harshul, his care , his love and I don’t know some unexplainable characteristics of his which kept on attracting me and still attracts me towards him , but I don’t about him ???
I believe we can harness the energy of winds, the seas, the sun as we do nowadays. But the day we learns to harness the energy of love , that will be as important as discovery of fire. May be after all my efforts I have proved to be incompetent and make him feel loved to the extent I feel for him , I m hoping that he questions this to his soul and heart because these are the two who makes him say that aparna I love you !
I would like to close the discussion because after this much off turmoil in my small heart n brain I m not capable of defining love. It ‘s my request to all those who say that they are in love or they love someone ,to ask this question to themselves , and when they get an answer , they should enlighten me also.


WITH LOTS OF LOVE TO YOU BABU !!!

"Sometimes my lips says something to which my heart doesn't agrees ; I M SORRY for that". I m reminded of several times when this has happened with you and me that we both utter certain sentences , phrases and words which cant be appreciated in any circumstances. That's the thing about love and romance: no one can predict where it will take you. Love will fill your heart, break your heart and then heal the heart that's broken. To be very honest to myself is a very difficult task; but then i would completely agree that when your heart is broken or it feels very sad due to some unexpected reactions which you never imagined in you wildest dreams, not only you ;the whole world is cast in the crushing gloom of despair; same happened with me last night, all unexpected and unbearable reactions came crawling towards me. My heart feels like a bird who has lost direction mid-flight because the wings which i had was made of love and i feel slowly i being robbed of those wings made of love. you can close your eyes to things you dont want to see;but you cant close your heart to things you dont want to feel because its feeling are unavoidable, they can easily catch the wavelength of your heart.

She comes to me in the dark of the night, she comes to me like a ray of light. i see her and feel ashamed of what i have done, what i am doing and what i will do in the future. i sit alone and smoke pot offered by others. my pack of cigarettes is dying and i don't have money to give life back to it. maybe it will die out and i wont know what to do next, maybe it will live and help me die just a bit more. in midst of all these thoughts she comes to me. she sits next to me and talks. i listen for a while and then the moon emerging from behind the dark clouds catches my attention. i am amazed at how it increases its intensity with every passing moment. i tell her 'look at the moon'. she sees it but to her it is just a blot in the sky. something that diminishes the beauty of the near perfect night sky. she sees the moon and she looks back at me. she looks at me with those "nothing great here" eyes. she does not say anything for a while and then starts talking again. this time i hear. i cannot listen. the dark sky, the black clouds are too much of a fascination for me to be able to listen. i try hard to do things to make her happy. i try to do things but when at the end of the day i lie to her i feel sad, i dont know why i said those things. i cannot understand what i was thinking when i said all that. i cannot bear to lok at her sad face, she has too much aura around her for me to absorb. her love is like rain, the more i try to spread my palms and catch it, the more it rains, and the more it rains, more of it slips away from my hands. i do not know what to do, i cannot seem to do things right. i try to understand her and understand whay i do the things i do. i fail each time in understandiong her and i have tried many a times to do the same each time taking a bigger fall than the previous one. i do not know whether i should try any further or not. i do not know whether i will have the courage to get up the next time i fall. it is all in pieces. there are good bits and there are bad bits. the bad bits are overweighing the good ones. the fault is my own. but these faults are what make me me.

another solitary moment

i'm just sitting in my car waiting for my girl. i feel lonely solitary and like i am the only yellow leaf in a tree of fresh green ones. i feel like it is not my time it is not my place. this is not where i am supposed to be this is not the time i am supposed to be doing what i am doing. i need to be at another place with other people. i need to be with people who understand me who can criticize me who can admire me . i am with people i feel alienated to. i am feeling like the martians in the movie 'mars attacks' who cant understand a thing about earth and so attack it. i am not in the attacking mode yet but lets see how long i can follow gandhian methods. i am desperate to go to my hostel my place of peace and zenith. the place where i can be who i am, the place which does not ask me questions or desire answers from me the place accepts me and it receives me with love it cares for me and i take care of it. i feel as if my hostel has life and is alive. i feel as if it knows what i think and it has thoughts of its own. that is one place i miss like shit. the place has a magical charm of its own. i miss my hostel maybe because i have become institutionalized. yes that is it now i know why i miss it so much.

kill me painfully

i am feeling awesomely amazed at how our teachers and the people who are in the 'administration' are sooooo sadist that they want to kill batch after batch of students. they kill us in a slow way. painful way. excruciatingly slow death will be ours or in my case has been mine. yes i am dead. it is just my outer cover that still works, i am dead inside. all cold inside. i do not feel any love, nor happiness, nor joy, nor sorrow, i am hollow and i am dead. no one hear will be able to escape this death, no one will be spared. some are dead already like me or a few others i guess. i no longer care about the fact that i need to study X because there is an exam on X tomorrow. if i want to study Y then i will irrespective of the fact that i have an exam on X tomorrow. i am bored by the abundance in which monotony is there in my life. no surprises(not that i like them), no fun no joy only the dull monotony of daily life. i hate them all. i hate all these intellectuals who pretemd to know it all as if they were born with all the knowledge stuffed into them. no right they were also taught by someone. But did their teaches also treat them in the same manner killing them too daily, is this how they now want to teach us in the same manner ??? if so then where did this vicious circle start from ? did it start from a particular teacher wjo taught all her/his students in this manner and then those students taught their students in the same manner and so on and so forth ??? I blame the britishers why i dont know maybe cause they were treated as the rot cause of all the problems in our country till recently the burden shifted to manmohan singh. poor man has to manage his wife and sonia mam and god knows how many deities. well may the sadistic part of our teachers soon leave them and may they let us live and dream and study what and as we like and do what we want to do. have mercy on us have some mercy. even people being hanged are givena last wish. AAAAHHHH quick want my last wish and i want it now

ZOMBIE EDUCATION

Everyday i mechanically get up at 7 with the help of aparna and take a most unwilling shower and eat the salty blob that they serve under the presumed name of breakfast . i see walking zombies everyday . everyday in my class i see them . completely dead people with miniscule feelings and even lesser aspirations and dreams . it is as if they have never learned to dream . Abdul Kalam once said 'dream big , dreaming small is a crime' . someone seriously needs to tell these people this . everyday i see them . i witness the hollow and meaningless smiles and laughter they share , the unwilling jokes they crack all on the outside whereas deep beneath they want to hide something . they dont want to tell everything to even their best pals . i see them , i see them everyday . some studying , some listening to their freinds , some to music , some trying to figure out what the teacher has been talking for the past hour and some like me lost in the oblivion blissfully staring into nothingness . i want to go up to them and tell them , stop . dont do this . dont do this to yourself , dont do this to your parents , dont do this to your family , dont do this to your freinds , dont do this to me . i want to wake them up from their slumber in which their true identities have been since long and ask them 'do you really want to do this , are you really interested ' . i dont see the point in doing something all your life which you are not least interested in , which you are indifferent to , which you dont care about . dont they have dreams like me dont they want to see the world dont they want to take a break and just sit and reflect on all that they have gone through . just take a second and think , do you really want to do this . i dont want to be a lawyer has this ever crossed your mind ? most probably not because even the way you think has been fixed , you cant think beyond your boundries . you have been taught what to dream . parents say dream but the intrinsic meaning , the hidden meaning is - dream our dreams . i want to live , i want to breath , i want to dream , i want to love and be loved . please