another solitary moment

i'm just sitting in my car waiting for my girl. i feel lonely solitary and like i am the only yellow leaf in a tree of fresh green ones. i feel like it is not my time it is not my place. this is not where i am supposed to be this is not the time i am supposed to be doing what i am doing. i need to be at another place with other people. i need to be with people who understand me who can criticize me who can admire me . i am with people i feel alienated to. i am feeling like the martians in the movie 'mars attacks' who cant understand a thing about earth and so attack it. i am not in the attacking mode yet but lets see how long i can follow gandhian methods. i am desperate to go to my hostel my place of peace and zenith. the place where i can be who i am, the place which does not ask me questions or desire answers from me the place accepts me and it receives me with love it cares for me and i take care of it. i feel as if my hostel has life and is alive. i feel as if it knows what i think and it has thoughts of its own. that is one place i miss like shit. the place has a magical charm of its own. i miss my hostel maybe because i have become institutionalized. yes that is it now i know why i miss it so much.

kill me painfully

i am feeling awesomely amazed at how our teachers and the people who are in the 'administration' are sooooo sadist that they want to kill batch after batch of students. they kill us in a slow way. painful way. excruciatingly slow death will be ours or in my case has been mine. yes i am dead. it is just my outer cover that still works, i am dead inside. all cold inside. i do not feel any love, nor happiness, nor joy, nor sorrow, i am hollow and i am dead. no one hear will be able to escape this death, no one will be spared. some are dead already like me or a few others i guess. i no longer care about the fact that i need to study X because there is an exam on X tomorrow. if i want to study Y then i will irrespective of the fact that i have an exam on X tomorrow. i am bored by the abundance in which monotony is there in my life. no surprises(not that i like them), no fun no joy only the dull monotony of daily life. i hate them all. i hate all these intellectuals who pretemd to know it all as if they were born with all the knowledge stuffed into them. no right they were also taught by someone. But did their teaches also treat them in the same manner killing them too daily, is this how they now want to teach us in the same manner ??? if so then where did this vicious circle start from ? did it start from a particular teacher wjo taught all her/his students in this manner and then those students taught their students in the same manner and so on and so forth ??? I blame the britishers why i dont know maybe cause they were treated as the rot cause of all the problems in our country till recently the burden shifted to manmohan singh. poor man has to manage his wife and sonia mam and god knows how many deities. well may the sadistic part of our teachers soon leave them and may they let us live and dream and study what and as we like and do what we want to do. have mercy on us have some mercy. even people being hanged are givena last wish. AAAAHHHH quick want my last wish and i want it now

ZOMBIE EDUCATION

Everyday i mechanically get up at 7 with the help of aparna and take a most unwilling shower and eat the salty blob that they serve under the presumed name of breakfast . i see walking zombies everyday . everyday in my class i see them . completely dead people with miniscule feelings and even lesser aspirations and dreams . it is as if they have never learned to dream . Abdul Kalam once said 'dream big , dreaming small is a crime' . someone seriously needs to tell these people this . everyday i see them . i witness the hollow and meaningless smiles and laughter they share , the unwilling jokes they crack all on the outside whereas deep beneath they want to hide something . they dont want to tell everything to even their best pals . i see them , i see them everyday . some studying , some listening to their freinds , some to music , some trying to figure out what the teacher has been talking for the past hour and some like me lost in the oblivion blissfully staring into nothingness . i want to go up to them and tell them , stop . dont do this . dont do this to yourself , dont do this to your parents , dont do this to your family , dont do this to your freinds , dont do this to me . i want to wake them up from their slumber in which their true identities have been since long and ask them 'do you really want to do this , are you really interested ' . i dont see the point in doing something all your life which you are not least interested in , which you are indifferent to , which you dont care about . dont they have dreams like me dont they want to see the world dont they want to take a break and just sit and reflect on all that they have gone through . just take a second and think , do you really want to do this . i dont want to be a lawyer has this ever crossed your mind ? most probably not because even the way you think has been fixed , you cant think beyond your boundries . you have been taught what to dream . parents say dream but the intrinsic meaning , the hidden meaning is - dream our dreams . i want to live , i want to breath , i want to dream , i want to love and be loved . please 

some memorable lines ( or shall we say quotes )

please dont consider this as plagiarism i think i have given due credits to the people who have put the real effort in writing these lines . i know this piece may seem as the work of a copy cat but i am just giving a vent to my feelings and letting it all out .

eminemn - cleaning out my closet -

                                                            "  I'm sorry momma!
                                                               I never meant to hurt you! 
                                                               I never meant to make you cry; but tonight 
                                                               I'm cleanin out my closet"

a sincere apology to my mom as well as aparna's even though none of them are going to read this but i want to say that both of us are sorry for the times we loose our tempers at you . you are both wonderful ladies and without your support we wouldnt be standing where we are today 

eminemn -i'm back -

                                     "You never, heard of a mind as perverted as mine"

well not absolutely right in my case but upto an extent yes but sorry cant help it bein the crazy old fool that i am 

eminemn - mockin bird -

                                           "Now hush little baby, don't you cry
                                            Everything's gonna be alright
                                            Stiffen that upper lip up little lady, i told ya
                                            Daddy's here to hold ya through the night
                                            I know mommy's not here right now and                                                                             we don't know why
                                            We feel how we feel inside
                                            It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby
                                            But i promise momma's gon' be alright"

my al time favourite chorus just imagine yourself singing to your daughter and feeling her warmth and the seeing the sweet smile on her face that kids have when they sleep . i know it may sound as if i am trying to overact by pretending to know the feeling of a father when i am only 19 ( some may consider using 19 as a paradox ) but this is how i feel so wrote it 

eminemn - without me -

                                          "But sometimes the shit just seems 
                                           everybody only wants to discuss me 
                                           So this must mean I'm dis-gus-ting 
                                           But it's just me, I'm just obscene 
                                           No I'm not the first king of controversy 
                                           I am the worst thing since Elvis Presley" 

applies rightly to my current situation 

eminemn - without me -

                                         "There's a concept that works 
                                           Twenty million other white rappers emerge 
                                           But no matter how many fish in the sea 
                                           It'll be so empty, without me"

 
i know it is the vanity of vanities but a person who is missed by other people has to sometimes take a litle pride in himself 

junoon - khudi -

                          "Khudi ko kar bulland itna ki har taqdeer se pehle
                            Khuda bande se khud pooche bata teri raza kya hai

                           Sitaron se aage jahaan aur bhi hain aur bhi hain
                           Abhi ishq ke Imtehan aur bhi hain aur bhi hain
                           Sitaron se age jahan aur bhi hain aur bhi hain
                           Abhi ishq ke Imtehan aur bhi hain aur bhi hain"

have been listening to this song since the album azadi was released around november 1997 i still have the cassete that i had bought the cassete has been played so many times especially the song sayoone from this album that my parents have got irritated of it but so many years later i find myself listening to it with the same enthusiasm that i listened it with the first time . some songs are trully evergreen and timeless 

linkin park - meteora - somewhere i belong -

                                      "i wanna heal i wanna feel what i thought was never real 
                                        i wanna let go of the pain ive felt so long. 
                                       ( erase all the pain til its gone ) 
                                       i wanna heal i wanna feel like im close to something real. 
                                       i wanna find something ive wanted all along 
                                       somewhere i belong"

 

i feel this way i dont know why but i do feel a hollowness somewhere in me and i am sure others do feel the same way the extent may differ but the main feeling remains constant in each of us

                                       

linkin park - meteora - somewhere i belong -


                                     "and i got nothing to say. i cant believe i didnt fall                                                                right down on my face 
                                      look at everywhere only to find. 
                                      it is not the way i had imagined it all in my mind.  
                                      what do i have but negativity 
                                      cuz i cant justify the way everyone is looking at me 
                                      nothing to gain im hollow and alone 
                                      and the fault is my own 
                                      and the fault is my own"

 
with reference to the ' u turn ' blog i have written this 

 

well i have a lot more of such lines that i feel like posting but this is getting too long so am finishing here am thinking that wil post some great lines by rabbi some time 

How Did It Happen ?

4th feb 2010 , just another day in everyone's life nothing special nothing new about it just aother ordinary day . As was the usual custom i was sitting and chatting with my gf ( girl freind - for those lesser mortals who still haven't got used to the sms style of english ) . we used to talk about everything from studies to family to fun to food to places to people , you name it we talked about it . we could chat for hours endlessly if left together . i forgot to mention that just a few days ago she had got a call from the college telling her parents that she had deteriorated in studies and used to spend time with ' a guy on the stairs ' and she was utterly disgusted by this and was somewhat uneasy . just then she got a call from her home it was her mom . her mom told her that she would be comming by in a few days to meet her and sort out the mater of ' the guy on the stairs ' . my gf was using all her pleading and persuation skills to use trying to deter her mom from comming . she won, my gf that is but looking back at the moment in retrospection i think it would have been better if she would have come would have been better if things would have gotten sorted out would have been better if i had met her mom . Any ways the depression worked its way deep into my gf and soon she was crying which is a bit unusual on her part and she was soon un-consolable ( dont know if that is even a word ) . She went to her room and stayed there . She didnt answer my calls she didnt answer anyone elses calls too . Around 3 pm i couldnt take it anymore and went inside the girls hostel and to her room to talk to her . She was shocked but we sat and talked . I had quite forgotten that trouble has a way of finding its way to me until disaster struck and the warden of the girls hostel came and saw us both in the room together . Well a guy and a girl in a oom gives these older generation lab trained guinea pigs just one idea and volla soon we were the hottest topic on campus . Next evening 5 pm we were taken before the university disciplinary commitee and were given a so called fare chance to defend ourselves whereas all we got to do was answer most of the questions in yes or no . So much for fairness . 

6th feb 2010 again just another day if u were not me or my gf which u most probably are not , i had all my bags packed to go home i was leaving in the evening i had got rusticated and so had she . she left  the next day her had mom came to pick her up . 

The u turn had happened and here i am now trodding the same path that i walked on a year ago, just that now i am a lot less enthusiastic about the days events and what is happening around me . i dont care if i dont know the answer to the teacher's question or if the kid behind me is laughing at me . it is a little difficult to overcome the wastage of a whole yea of your life but i am dealing with it maybe not in the best possible manner but am still dealing with it .